On the Outside: Through Rose Colored Glasses

hello again all y'all. been a while huh? sorry bout that. life is crazy busy these days. but that's another matter. on to the blog post.

i gave a talk in church the other day on the topic of friendship, and it's helped me put some thoughts together in a way i can express so that you might understand what i'm trying to get across.
if you wanted to read it, here it is:

The topic that I have been assigned to speak on today is friendship.

I am going to introduce my topic by sharing with you an account of one of Elder Marlin K Jensen’s personal experiences given in a conference address in the spring of 1999:

“Years ago when I was serving as a bishop, a recently converted family moved into our rural Utah community. These good people had joined the Church in the eastern United States and had been warmly fellowshipped and put to work in a small branch there. When they came to our larger, more-established ward, they somehow slipped through the cracks. Some of the family members, particularly the father, became disenchanted with the Church and its members.

One Sunday morning when I noticed the father was missing from priesthood meeting, I left the meetinghouse and drove to his home. He invited me in, and we had a very honest conversation about the struggle he was having with his new faith and neighbors. After exploring various possibilities for responding to his concerns, none of which seemed to appeal to him very much, I asked him with a tone of frustration in my voice just what we could do to help him. I’ve never forgotten his reply:

“Well, bishop,” he said (and I will need to paraphrase here slightly), “for heaven’s sake, whatever you do, please don’t assign me a friend.”

I learned a great lesson that day. No one wants to become a “project”; we all want spontaneously to be loved. And, if we are to have friends, we want them to be genuine and sincere, not “assigned.””

It is so important to be genuine when reaching out to others in our ward families. Often times as we go through life, our schedules get so over cluttered that we forget, and almost feel burdened by the basic need for friendship. And that need is so deeply rooted within us. Marlin K Jensen also said in the same talk (which I do recommend you go back and read) titled ‘Friendship: A Gospel Principle’

“I feel that friendship is a fundamental need of our world. I think in all of us there is a profound longing for friendship, a deep yearning for the satisfaction and security that close and lasting relationships can give. Perhaps one reason the scriptures make little specific mention of the principle of friendship is because it should be manifest quite naturally as we live the gospel.”

Each friendship develops in a different way and is unique to those involved. Everybody has different personal needs that friendship is designed to help alleviate. Whether it be a shoulder to lean on heavily, someone to call and chat with about nothing, someone  to remind you that you’re appreciated; when you start to get to know a person on a deeper level of trust and love, the spirit will manifest to you the things that that individual needs. And if you feel as though you can’t fill those needs on your own, pray and ask with sincerity what your heavenly father would do. Perhaps this friendship is meant to strengthen you as much as it is to strengthen the other, or maybe your heavenly father just needs someone to sincerely pray for them.

As I continued to read elder Jensen’s talk I came across a familiar scripture mastery in Moroni Chapter 7. And then ElderJensen did something that struck me as I was writing this talk. He switched just one word. Moroni Chapter 7 verse 45-47: And friendship suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things….Wherefore cleave unto friendship, which is the greatest of all, for all must fail-But friendship is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.

Now those are some pretty strong words. When I read that scripture in that context a whole new window opened and I kind of had a light bulb moment. I’ve always known that friendships were important, but I never realized how profoundly important until that moment. Friendship in that context doesn’t count as a hello to your next door neighbour whenever they happen to cross your path or a passing glance in the hallway. Those things are great and you should do those, but every individual in and out of the gospel needs at least one true and lasting friend whom they can confide and trust in. Elder Richard G Scott at a BYU devotional in August of 1982 spoke of friendship, and he recounted this experience:

I participated in Church activities, but somehow felt I was always at the periphery. I would approach Mutual activities daydreaming of a glorious evening dancing with the most popular girls in the ward. The reality of each evening was quite different. As I sat on the sidelines and watched others enjoying themselves, I felt somehow left out, not part of the central group. The same occurred in school. Though I felt comfortable in the academic activities, the social and sport activities left me feeling alone and unwanted. It wasn’t until later in life that I realized it was largely my fault.

I have since learned that one cannot demand love and respect or require that the bonds of friendship and appreciation be extended as an unearned right. These blessings must be earned. They come from personal merit. Sincere concern for others, selfless service, and worthy example qualify one for such respect. All my rationalization that others had formed select groups and knowingly ruled out my participation was largely a figment of my imagination. Had I practiced correct principles, I need not have felt alone.

Joseph smith himself once said: Friendship is one of the grand fundamental principles of ‘Mormonism’. We are so privileged in this gospel to have an atmosphere conducive to making, growing and keeping lasting friendships with those who share our love of Christ. From young ages we are given multiple opportunities in scouts, young women's, young men's, relief society, priesthood, sunday school, church meetings and so much more, to reach, and be reached out to. But as Elder Scott recognized, we can not expect friendship from others if we do not first make an effort to be friendly. I know this first hand as I was extremely shy especially in my younger years and would wonder why I didn’t have very many truly best friends. I realized later on that it was only through mutual efforts that I found, and still have wonderful friendships.

This past Sunday was an extremely tough change for a lot of us, particularly myself. But as I talked with a good friend of mine about it on the drive home I became more and more excited to expand my group of friends and come to love the members of this new ward. I am not one who adjusts to change well, so for me to become so excited that early on is a pretty big deal. Our heavenly father knows us individually, he knows exactly what we need, and he often works through us to help one another, and when we act as instruments in his hands, we are granted the blessing of being the answer to someone else’s prayer. And I can’t help but see that as such an amazing blessing. Nothing could bring me more joy than to know that someone else’s prayers were answered, and their spirits lifted because of my actions. I have made friends that have been huge answers to my prayers in time of need, and knowing how relieved and cared for I felt in that moment, both by my Heavenly Father and my newest friend, makes the blessing of being on the giving end of that scale, so much more powerful.

Relating back to our ever cluttered schedule, Elder Jensen also said this:

There is a particular challenge we face as Latter-day Saints in establishing and maintaining friendships. Because our commitment to marriage, family, and the Church is so strong, we often feel challenged by constraints of time and energy in reaching out in friendship to others beyond that core group.

How selfish we can be. How unwilling to be inconvenienced, to give, to bless and be blessed. What kind of parents or neighbors or servants of the Lord Jesus Christ can we be without being a friend? In this information age, is not friendship still the best technology for sharing the truths and way of life we cherish? Is not our reluctance voluntarily to reach out to others in friendship a significant obstacle to helping God accomplish His eternal purposes?

Ouch. Wake up call much? Having a schedule with wholesome and important activities isn’t a bad thing, but being so distracted by worldly accomplishments that we forget to reach out to one another in love and service, is going against one of the most fundamental and important teachings of our Savior. And we cant forget to include those whom we come across that aren’t members of our faith. Our task in this life more than anything else, is to reach out and be a friend.

I have been blessed with the gift of great friendships in my life, and they have come through for me answering prayers time and time again. I really hope that I can be a friend to each of you, and that we all embrace this new change and become one in Christ. There is a special kind of peace that is achieved when a ward becomes a family, closely knit together in friendship.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I’m excited to see what our Heavenly Father has in store, and I know that if we truly want to be tools in the hands of our Heavenly Father in bringing to pass His eternal purposes, we need only to be a friend.

so that was the talk. i was really excited to talk about this particular topic, because i have a lot of very strong opinions on it. one of them leads into the topic of this blog post. and that's reaching out to others regardless of apparent circumstance.

we generally tend to look at the lives of others through rose colored glasses, especially in comparison to our own. and we really shouldn't. just because i don't broadcast my issues on every social media site i'm signed up for, doesn't mean they don't exist. i'm not going to talk to you about my problems unless you genuinely ask me about them. take off your rose colored glasses and realize that everybody has issues just like you do, and their life is no better than yours.

relating to this is something that strikes a deeper chord with circumstances i've found myself in. i try my best to be friends with everybody. i love making new friends. its hard, but i try my darndest to include and be nice to those i meet. naturally one would think that because of that, i have a whole bunch of close friends that i can call to hang out at anytime. nuhun mister, you'd be wrong!

i feel like people assume, that just because someone seems to have it together, and appear popular on the surface, that they would already have been invited or are already busy doing something else instead. news flash. this is hardly ever the case. everybody gets lonely. even the truly "popular"ones.

from friends that i've talked to, it seems like being "popular" isn't exactly all its cracked up to be. yea sure you've got a ton of friends that look up to you and would love to come shopping with you if you offered. but let me ask you something. would you feel comfortable calling most of those people late at night when you just need a friend to talk to? or share your most troubling deep secrets in hopes that they'll understand and listen to you? i doubt it. there are probably a couple in that group of people that fall into that category, but they won't always be able to help you when you need them.

so here's my proposition; reach out. if ever you feel like you should call someone, call them up! send a happy text to random people in your contact list. perhaps even the ones you haven't talked to in years! i know that personally, if i got a text or invite from someone regardless of our standing as friends/acquaintances or the like, i would only be flattered. no harm can come from it!! so why is it so hard?

that's something i don't understand even for myself. so what do ya say, wanna take off your rose colored glasses with me? wanna reach out to those around you and be a friend?

later all :)