Blindsided.

Yes folks. this week i have been blind sided. whether it was meant or not, tears have just kept coming. and ive tried to let it all go, but its not going anywhere. and i apologize it this post is completely and utterly depressing. but i have to let off some steam. and if the dame who blindsided me is reading this thinking hmm, what is she talking about? well read on. that is if you really want to know what it was i was so sick about yesterday.

not even a week ago, i laid eyes on a gorgeous young man. me being absolutely full of butterflies about it and excited to get to know him suuuuuper well, told my cousin who is roughly 6 months younger than i. well we went about the activity we had been participating in that night, me not being able to keep my eyes off him, and her being her natural self, from what i could tell atleast.
so then the gist of the events were over and it was time to cool down with some refreshments and just socialize, so as i debated with myself whether or not to talk to him and get a word in there somewhere, i noticed that my cousin had been comfortably chatting it up with him for quite some time. (now if you know my cousin thats pretty normal, she is just really social. but shes also a big flirt, and i dont think she realizes, but i brushed it off) i joined in the conversation! it was grand, we chatted for i dont even know how long... then i had to leave a little early. so, being part french i turned to my cousin and 'secretly' said right in front of him "HES SO CUTE!!!!" in french of course... haha. and then i went home. (i had to work early the next morning)
so whatever i go about my week completely flabergasted. then i find out he asked her for her number... hmmm.... something is a little off. they went on a date. not completely harmless, but she couldnt just say no to the guy. she had told me that she wasnt interested, and she swore in all honesty that all she wanted was her missionary. so again i brushed it off. (i could be mixing up the events a little, but the ones im mixing arent terribly pivotal)
then friday rolled around and there was a ysa dance, and i was stoked. ***k wait a minute lets back up a little. before monday rolled around at the beginning of the story, i had just finished dealing with major boy drama. like aaaabbbsolutely used. i being the idiot girl believed he actually cared for me like more than a friend with benefits. hah. wrong... so i was advised to find someone to move on to. let go of user boy and find somebody better to focus my attention on, and that is what i decided to do with, (well lets just call him john) on monday. ok now we can continue... hah.*** so now that you know all that, alright its friday, so four days after we both officially met him.
she approached me with the news of the date, and that there could possibly be something there. i thought wahetever just sparks, ive still got a chance. i saw them slow dancing and all that. and with all the drama going on i ran to the bathroom and cried.... i could hold it in anymore.... i was hurt. she knew i liked him. and i did tell her that it was fine and that she could go ahead and continue going on. but really inside i was killing myself for telling her that... i liked him. freak why did i like him?!?! i had only known him for four days, i felt like a total idiot.... she came to the bathroom to comfort me. telling me i was beautiful and that i would find my prince charming and that idiot user boy deserved a punch in the face (which he did) as the night went on all i could see was my cousin and 'john'. and it killed me. i had to keep running to the bathroom and composing myself.
that night i told her, if she liked him to go for him. but i knew she had her missionary, and i hoped she would reject my proposal. but instead when i got a thankyou my heart sunk... but i couldnt tell her. she was happy. and i love her. i want her to be happy. yea i was bauling my face off. but i figured whatever shes got him and im just a shadow that waltzed by unnoticed. not the first time....
then saturday rolled around. still felt like a torpedo just ramed me in the stomach. then it was sunday. and i was surfing facebook... i saw my cousin had updated her relationship status to "in a relationship".... all through church i cried... every word of every song. every sound. i couldnt stop. and she was right there next to me, holding his hand....... and it killed me..... i couldnt hide it. i sucked at hiding it. but i kept my mouth shut. cuz she was laughing, she was happy, and i didnt matter. i was leaving in a month or so anyways.
she texted me later that day asking what was wrong. i told her i didnt want to talk about it, and i didnt. i knew i would get mad at her. and i didnt want to get mad at her. i figured as long as i didntsunday evening rolled around and i was still a teary mess.... so i slept it off. and now its today
before i started writing this post i went to read hers, cuz she had blogged about it (which is why i decided to blog about it) and the words in that post really pierced me.... i wont dish cuz those are her personal feelings and details. i will just say that it wasnt easy to read.
and thats my story. blindsided by my cousin who swore she wasnt interested. and of course she didnt mean it, she didnt mean to fall for him. but she knew i liked him. and she knew that what was going on between the two of them was really bugging me. but it kept going. i never even had a chance with him. and thats the end. i have no more words.