Blogging in Bed

So its currently 11:30 pm on February sixteenth. I was about to go to bed when i decided to turn on my computer and listen to music. I decided the first song to play would be about this boy i cant get off my mind. And do you wanna take a stab at what it was? “Can't Fight This Feeling” by Glee. Yep. That’s what it was. I kinda wanted to laugh at the irony of it all. Except contrary to the words in the song i haven’t been hiding how i feel. I suck at hiding it. But we are staying friends. That’s whats best hah, and i like it that way. He still makes me laugh. I’m still getting to know him really well. And maybe one day in the not-too-distant future something will change in him and he will see me in a different light. But for now i am happy being single.

I am excited to go and see my sister. I am excited to learn to one day be the best mom i can. I am excited to go and see old friends again. I am excited to go and make my own memories and dare to travel on my own adventures. I am doing things because i want to. Not because it is what the world sees fit. Not because it is what my parents see fit. But because i see fit.

I am the only one who has the power over my life, and i am the one who is going to make it the best it can be. I am going to fill it with memories and smiles along the way. I am going to grow up and out and towards the ultimate goal of finding my eternal companion and raring children in my Heavenly Fathers' kingdom. I am who i am because of the choices i have made. And because i was loved by others i am inclined to love others. I am excited to spend this time with my nieces and nephew. And this other new addition to the family of whom i know nothing about haha.

My oldest niece Trista asked me the other day if i would be able to attend her ballet recital in may. And of course i said yes, i will for sure be there. Then i realized how much of a huge role i am going to be playing in these little ladies' lives. I am their only auntie, and heck am i ever going to be a fun one!! i want them to grow up and remember the time when auntie Maddie moved in and played barbie with them every day for months and months. I want them to remember how much fun we will have. I want them to remember how much i love them. Because i love them sooooo much. They’re fantastic kids. My sister has done a fantastic job :)

While we're on the topic i want to express how much i truly love my older sister Megan. She is ten years older than me, and my one and only sister. Ever since i can remember, growing up we always shared a room (that is until you got married and moved out haha gross) i would always get into her stuff and she would get mad at me for it. But i knew she loved me, and i knew she loved me too. I remember that awful water bed we shared for i don’t know how many years... (and you totally made me believe that there were fish in it) i also remember building forts and rocking out to The Backstreet Boys “You Are My Fire” hahahahaha oh those were the good days. I miss them. And I'm excited to make even more with you again now that ten years has passed. :)

well its now almost twelve, and time to hit the sack. I will post this and probably add to it. Night y'all!!

mixed feelings.

today. today is the day that all are supposed to celebrate their love for others. but it has become more specifically known as a couples day. and i hate it. i have hated it since the beginning of cooties. since i first understood why holding hands wasn't gross. (well maybe that's an over exaggeration but i mean you get my point, it sucks for those of us unattached...) i am just finishing my nineteenth valentines day, and still i am left feeling lonely.
don't get me wrong i don't want to get rid of the holiday completely, its gonna rock when I'm not-so-single. but for now i am not going to enjoy a lot of it. so should i describe to you my day? and all the itsy bitsy details that seem to contribute to the end of it? i think yes.
so i woke up at seven and got ready for work (consists of brushing teeth and slicking back my grease nest into a pony... gross.) then i drove into town with the rentals and we dropped everybody off to their rightful places. i got to work at about eight fifteen. didn't start till nine thirty so i took a sort-of nap in the staff room. gotta love those marks on your forehead when you finally manage to wake up... naaat. hah anyways. so i start work and its just normal whatever, put on a smiley face and make the customers believe you're having the time of your life dealing with their sass. yaaaaayyy work.. haha today there were actually a lot of happy people who came through my till, and it did help make my day a happy one. my day was a pretty decent one. i ate salad and BUGGLES (best salty snack invention EVER) and pudding. yummmmmmm. good lunch. drank a whoooole lot of water and then acted accordingly. heh.... then i finished work and walked on over to the institute building. sat and pinned for a while...
***
k pause for a sec. all the while since a bit after noon i was texting the boy previously mentioned in my post about the boy girl situation (which is now unfortunately over for the two of them and reeeally confusing for me..) (and well the whole deal is that after it all i decided to tell him i liked him and well were gonna stay friends because he honestly just isn't interested. which hurts but i mean you have to live with a lot of the pain sometimes. so were just good friends. which is all i wanted at this point anyways because anything more than that with me leaving the province in under a month would really be hard.. but despite my telling myself that there is no way he could ever look at me as more than a friend, every time i text him or he texts me, i catch myself with this sick ugly fool's grin on my face. i cant help myself. he makes me smile. he makes me happy. even when nobody else can. which is ridiculous because i hardly know his whole name.... it freaks me out.) so i was texting this boy. and then he told me that he couldn't text me anymore because he was on a date. and my first thoughts were "awe that's so sweet he is such a gentleman for putting away his phone" then i got to the "liking him" bubble, and i thought, crap hes on a date. and dang it call me an idiot but i sunk.
***
so I'm sitting in this building, Ive been watching the notebook and i get this text from him andd i just poop out. i was already crying from the sadness of the end of the film. and then that popped up, as sincerely happy as i was for him to be on that date, i couldn't help but get that teeny gut ouch.
then i get home and I'm on pinterest pinning again, and then I'm on facebook stalking some more. then i see that some body's relationship status changed. and this was the guy that stayed up till two o clock a week ago texting me for no reason, sparked my interest. but nope hes currently in a relationship with someone six years younger than me. and I'm pretty sure his excuse for not dating me was that i was too young. hmm. another devastating blow.
so in a nut shell I'm still really confused. i don't get what makes me the one who is just so close, and yet so far away. i am tired of being the second. i am tired of the guys i keep meeting who just don't seem to take a second look at me. I'm the friend. and don't get me wrong friends are fantastic, but I'm kinda excited to be the "more than friend" and not just that. not the in between. i want to be the girl that he cant live without.
so that's it. happy Tuesday February the fourteenth.
i hope those of you who are attached have had a fantastic day, you deserve it!!

its not this. its that.

its not that the clouds are in the way. its that i miss the sun.
its not that i cant hear you, or dont understand you. its that cant bear to hear what you have to say.
its not that life sucks today and woe is me. its that yerterday was fantastic and missing it is easy.
its not that liking boys sucks. its that liking the wrong boy at the wrong time can really really hurt.
its not that im mad at you. its that im sad with myself.
its not that im sad i didnt get what i wanted despite my valiant efforts. its that you continue to get what you want effortlessly
and yes because we are girls we get emotional. and yes sometimes i really want to punch you. hard. but tomorrow is something new. tomorrow is a clean white canvas. and i look forward to painting a better picture.
its notthat i dont like you. its that i love you.

Country Music

hey there everybody :) so here i am. chillin in starbucks, jammin to some country, and i figured i would profess to you my love for it. anybody who knows me really well knows that i have an undying love for country music.
yea it can get to the point where there is too much twang, but i mean hey everything else just makes me weak in the knees! the deep rumbly voice of a good male country singer.... yea that's right, your ears just perked up. i cant even put it into words. i was surfin the tube yesterday and i found a new country artist. his name is blaine larsen.... ok guys he looks to be maybe sixteen tops. his voice sounds like that of someone in their thirties.. daaaannng gina sooo nice!!!! (side note: i just indulged in a caramel salted hot chocolate, YUM!!!)

in the video it makes reference to him being about eighteen. ok i can sorta see that, but dang that voice!! i almost like him more than scotty mccreery! and that's sorta a big deal lol. dang i love me some country.. I'm a sap for love songs too and country is known for its generally high level of emotion haha. i also love george canyon. he has an amazing voice, and some fantastic songs. for example "I want you to live ". i love that song. brings tears to my eyes almost every time... but then again a lot of things make me cry haha dang it... I'm a cry baby. but not in a bad wy..? haha idk, its the way i am and i love who i am so im ok with it :). aaannd just to name a few more i love aaron prichett, rascal flatts, miranda lambert, blake shelton, lady antebellum, gloriana and maaaanny many more :) COUNTRY <3 i could go on for a lot longer, but i wont bore you :) later!! :)

A New Artist

JJ Heller. lovely. here's a song i love.

enjoy. much love :)

Music. Is. Good.

OK so this is sort of a continuation of yesterday's rants, except this time i am going to try an be a bit more specific

I'll Be Ok

Mcfly... this song has some inspiring words, its cool. just tell yourself "i'll be ok". its that simple. it doesnt matter what happens to you. yea sometimes times get tough and its reeeeallly hard. but like i said yesterday, everything happens for a reason. you just have to look at the bigger picture. but at the same time you cant loose focus on the smaller things in life. the simple things. the here and now. You can't waste your precious time focusing on the negative, there is so much to be happy about!! Which brings me to the next song.

The Heart of Life

John Mayer... fantastic.. he's so right. the heart of life is good. yea sometimes life looks ugly, and well it probably is. but underneath it all, there is something beautiful. you just have to keep reminding yourself that the good things outweigh the bad. no matter how bad it gets. and its going to be hard. guaranteed. but it will be worth it. There is not a better goal in life that i have made than that of reminding myself to be happy. wake up every morning with a smile on my face, and go to bed just the same. on to song number three :)

Happy

Leona Lewis... what a babe. the chorus of this one always gets me... so what?? so what if this world pushes me off the edge?? i am stronger than that!! i have the potential to change the world. i just have to open my eyes to the possibilities. but that doesnt go without saying that it isnt easier when you have people to back you up. standing alone is hard. its really hard. but when you believe in something, when you stand out from a crowd when nobody else will, something changes in you. i know from experience.

im LDS for those of you who dont know, and i grew up going to school where i was an extreme minority. i was the only student of my faith attending a school with about 3000 kids. yeah. scary. everybody knew me for my beliefs. and at first i hated being alone... i hated being different from everybody else. but then it hit me. why is it so bad to be different? why is it so important that i fit in? i have an amazing life with family and friends that love me, what do i need the approval and acceptance of others for? and heres another song bringing us back up and happy again :)

A Girl's Life

Megan and Liz... man i love these girls. so inspiring, and they are gorgeous. and they have am zing standards. love. love. love. (and yes in case you were wondering they do mention twilight in the second verse :D) being a girl these days isnt easy either, but man is it fun!!! i love being a girl!! i love makeup, i love pink, i love painting my nails, i love playing with my hair, i love doing girly things. I LOVE BEING A GIRL! i am perfect through my imperfections :)

Freckles

Natasha Bedingfield... why waste a second not loving who you are??? your imperfections are what makes you you!! dont ever give up on yourself. EVER! you are worth everything in this world. YOU are wonderful. YES YOU! believe in yourself :) you are loved :)

anyways. later everybody!! remember to keep your chin up and always ALWAYS be happy.

rant. Rant. RANT. '

So these past few weeks have been just chalk full of surprises and unexpected happenings. i guess life is just unfolding in a way i didn't expect it to. but its a good thing. i am a firm believer in the phrase "whatever happens happens for a reason." that sentence runs through my mind all the time. everything that happens to me, whether it makes me happy, sad, or even both, is there to build me up and make me stronger.
so i am going through a sort of life changing phase i guess. i graduated from high school almost two years ago (whoah.... it went by way too fast) and that's not even a long time in the grand scheme of things. but either way i am earning now more than ever that you really have to embrace the time you're given
so many of my friends are growing up and getting married, and that scares me. yea one day i want to get married, like REEEAALLY wanna, but i am nowhere ready atm... i have to get out of the house and just live my single life before that's not an option. so I'm going to live with my sister. i am going to have fun, and i am not going to care what anybody thinks of me, but me.
i am so excited to go live with my sister. she has always been there to talk to. even though she has lived miles and miles away these past few years, i could always call her to talk and vent about stupid boys. haaaahhhh stupid boys.
i am also leaving this gosh darn place to get away from boys in a sort of way for a while. i need to focus on improving myself instead of impressing others. for so long i have been hooked on flaunting my talents. and yea I'm talented but what does it matter??? my talents are supposed to be there so i can help others not so i can shove them in other peoples faces (not so harshly though haha, or at least i don't think so) i am by no means saying i am rude in doing so, i am just saying i am proud of what i do, and i enjoy showing it. but aaaaannnyyyways.... haha
i am excited to go spend time in my sisters home. play barbies almost 24/7 with my nieces, and just have fun. just live it up. i am only going to be single for so long, and i want to make the most of it.
i am going to live right here, right now. for me.
but in the mean time, i gotta go make some body's day just that much better :) love you all!!!!