a story

this week. has been interesting. good. but interesting.

to start off i made a new friend. my lovely cousins Myriam and Roxanne came down for the weekend, and along with Myriam came her friend Flemming. now it didnt take long before i realized how special this new friend was. those two short days he truly became my friend, will be two days i never forget. this guy treated me as an old friend! and that was something that i really needed.

the stage in my life that i'm beginning is a lot harder than i could have anticipated. there are so many little things that i have to learn to change and control all at once. it's hard to put into words but i will try and express it in this post. please bear with me as i start from the ugly beginning.

the beginning of my journey, and the turning of the page from what turned out to be only a brief introduction, started several months ago when i decided that it was a good idea to get counseling. which was a big deal for me. nobody likes to admit that they need help. but i did. i never once looked at myself as perfect, but i had also never seen myself as so damaged that i needed professional fixing. well i did, and i got it.

it was an extremely strange transition at first. getting time booked off work for "doctor's appointments" and essentially having a secret life for a while. i wasnt about to go telling everyone that i had a shrink. who would? the automatic response from anyone, including myself, would be to ask why. but that's not the kind of question i wanted to answer. i don't need to answer it. but i do feel like i need to share my story, because chances are, these words are going to reach someone who went through exactly what i did, or something similar, and it may just help them to take that first step in admitting they need help. it takes time. but in the end, i am so extremely grateful for the help i received in those months of counseling.

the most valuable thing that i learned, and i think i have discussed this on my blog before, is how to be more self aware. before counseling i was just blindly going through my day performing tasks without so much as a second thought. I would occasionally question myself, but it wouldn't end up affecting my end decision or action. bad maddie.

it is so important to be aware of what youre doing, especially if you're trying to solve a problem that, until only weeks before, you didn't realize you had. i now find myself thinking before i speak even to myself (no i'm not a loon, we've all had conversations with ourselves) and it's really quite interesting. i'm questioning everything from the clothes i wear, to the faces i make, to the lights i leave on in the house (huge pet peeve now). and you wanna know something? i'm so much happier. i can't even begin to explain the huge change in my attitude towards my life in general!

so back to Flemming. the night we first met we ended up having to stay up later than planned, and it resulted in an intense heart to heart. it was good to finally have someone to express my story to. and he knew exactly what to say. he told me some things that i didnt realize i had been dying to hear. but they got me so excited!! i was already excited but they were just that cherry on top! so excited in fact, that the next day, although spent with a dear dear friend, ended in sobs and tears. i was up till almost three o clock in the morning just crying. and im not entirely sure why. but it's all part of the journey, and i hope that some day this part of the jigsaw puzzle makes a lot more sense.

and that was my week. or more my weekend.. hah. later all!!