so cute!!!!

oh my goodness..... ok i just finished watching a reeeeallly good movie!!!!!
its called "my girlfriend's boyfriend" and it was released in 2010. i kinda just watched it for fun cuz it looked dumb and i wanted a laugh. but its so good!!!!! and there is an unexpected twist in the end!! WATCH IT

it looks a tad sketchy but i swear its so cute!!!!!

on repeat.

just a few songs that have been playing through my head these past few days. figured i would share. since i have a love for music. :)

Good to You - Marianas Trench

i love Jessica Lee's voice in this

Want to - Sugarland

It would be wrong to not include a country song :)
(sorry the video is a little scanty at times)

This ain't Goodbye - Train

I love this song. Train is fantastic.

Here I Go - Megan and Liz

And of course the lovely Megan and Liz <3

Music is wonderful. i don't know what i would do without my music. I'm in a completely different world when I've got my headphones in and I'm just sitting still taking it in. or dancing like a fool hairbrush in hand while tidying my room for the hundredth time. or even walking down the road pretending I'm filming a music video :) Music <3 i might be a dork, but that's totally fine. i like who i am :) later gators

dangit maddie.

I dont know what to think anymore. at this point im pretty much believing i have no chance at all with this guy. hes so great that stinkin half the girls in the ward are crushin on him, and im leaving just as anything gets started. dangit maddie... talk about bad timing.

After All.

Maybe after all. You are the one giving off mixed signals.

tired.

because sometimes things just make you cry. im tired of being the second best... im tired of being a thing.. im sick and tired of being handed around between jerks who couldn't care less about my feelings. im tired. past relationships really shouldn't bug me this much. sue me. but i cant take it anymore. i cant catch a break. goodnight blogging world.

What. If.

Yes yes.... the dreaded two words one should try their hardest to avoid. what if. but i cant help it. i think a lot. and honestly that's not always a good thing. but whatevs. here are my thoughts.
what if. what if i wasn't leaving. what if in ten days i wasn't flying across the country. what if i had more time. would we still be friends? or is there something more. i cant help but think this as i get to know you better. you make me smile. you make me laugh. you get me. if i could somehow work around things and stay. to be honest i would.
yea you have unbelievably bad timing.
i told myself i was going to live with my sister and focus on helping my nieces and nephew and learning how to become the best mom i could. i wasn't trying to find a reason to want to stay. i was trying to completely forget about guys. then you walked into the institute building that monday night and it was all over. its been a roller coaster since then. but what surprises me the most is that you're still here. you're still my friend. but not only a friend. like you're still a gentleman. you still act as though you don't know i like you. and that's what started this whole thought process.
why are you still here. why haven't you run off. everybody runs off. why are you so easy to talk to. why have i told you things i haven't told anybody else. little as they might be why is it so easy to just let it out, and why in the world are you still here after all of it. im baffled. you're different.
but it doesn't matter. im leaving. and ill get back and you will probably be married. what if's and might be's are only there to make things more confusing. and unless something is said im just going to leave it alone. because you don't like it when i dig. i would like to try and make it work. but it would have to wait. almost a year. and i don't want to make you wait for it. its that simple. friends is good.

Blogging in Bed.. round two, late :/

K Guys this is what i wrote in bed late of February seventeenth. and as much as i have mixed feelings about its contents, it was written to be posted, so here it is.

***

And the song of the night is.... drum roll. Its a gooder.

Untouchable by Taylor Swift.

Yep.

It Happened.

What gives. Like really. This is ridiculous. I can't get caught up in all this. I have to move on. I have to let it go. I have to grow. He cant be more than a friend to me at all for a long time. Not even in my mind. That's against the rules.

And so far i am having a really hard time following the rules.

I realized today as i told him about another song i discovered that all the songs i have been feeding him have the same theme. About love. And all that sap. And yea considering a lot of songs are about love (especially when it comes to country which is mostly what I've been showing him) its not a surprise that this is the case. But it is easy for him-or any guy for that matter- to get the wrong idea. And i don't want him to get the wrong idea. I could be just a worry wart (which i am :/) but i really hope that my harmless ideas of friendship aren't sending him mixed signals... well its quarter past two am... hah so it is far past my bed time. Good night everybody!!

***

And that is what i wrote. so yea mixed feelings. the more i think about it the more i get caught up in it, and as it reads above, hats not a good thing. i am leaving in less than two weeks. and if the feelings began to grow and become mutual, the separation would be unbelievably hard. so yes for now i am just going to have to grin and bear it. i cant deny that i like him, there is no way. i actually have a sort of story. not terribly interesting but i will tell it anyways.

soooo a few days ago on the evening of Monday February 20th our ward made forts for family home evening. soooo much fun!!! hah the room was sort of separated into two and teams competed to make the best fort. yes yes our team won and all had a fantastic time. then we all ate popcorn and drank juice boxes. (mmm love me some juice boxes. haha) then Jesse and i finally had our foosball rematch, aaaand i was absolutely creamed. twice. even with help. hah so much for that one!! i was only behind two points the first time we played, and this time i got three.. in total.. between TWO games... hah i suck!! oh well that was fun. then everybody left and a few girlfriends and i went to The Cheesecake Cafe for some dessert (YUM) and we talked and did some truth or dare stuff sorta thing hah. and then my adorable friend steffanie decided to go around the table and pick a guy in the ward that each girl would be most compatible with and why. she went around and then it came to me. i thought oh crap... hah whats she gonna say?? and guess who she picked. yep. she picked Jesse. dangit... then she explained her choice. she said that while she was cat napping in our most awesome fort she observed Jesse and I at the foosball table duking it out. she said she could picture us walkin holdin hands. hah well dangit i was blushing so bad (good thing the lighting in that place is dim)

i was glad when the subject changed. i don't even know what to think about that night. was it coincidence or what. idk. hah and im just gonna say i don't care. even though i do.. man im confusing.... anyways. i should go and try to get some food into my stomach. been in bed all day. food poisoning. hah darnit. later days!!

Blogging in Bed

So its currently 11:30 pm on February sixteenth. I was about to go to bed when i decided to turn on my computer and listen to music. I decided the first song to play would be about this boy i cant get off my mind. And do you wanna take a stab at what it was? “Can't Fight This Feeling” by Glee. Yep. That’s what it was. I kinda wanted to laugh at the irony of it all. Except contrary to the words in the song i haven’t been hiding how i feel. I suck at hiding it. But we are staying friends. That’s whats best hah, and i like it that way. He still makes me laugh. I’m still getting to know him really well. And maybe one day in the not-too-distant future something will change in him and he will see me in a different light. But for now i am happy being single.

I am excited to go and see my sister. I am excited to learn to one day be the best mom i can. I am excited to go and see old friends again. I am excited to go and make my own memories and dare to travel on my own adventures. I am doing things because i want to. Not because it is what the world sees fit. Not because it is what my parents see fit. But because i see fit.

I am the only one who has the power over my life, and i am the one who is going to make it the best it can be. I am going to fill it with memories and smiles along the way. I am going to grow up and out and towards the ultimate goal of finding my eternal companion and raring children in my Heavenly Fathers' kingdom. I am who i am because of the choices i have made. And because i was loved by others i am inclined to love others. I am excited to spend this time with my nieces and nephew. And this other new addition to the family of whom i know nothing about haha.

My oldest niece Trista asked me the other day if i would be able to attend her ballet recital in may. And of course i said yes, i will for sure be there. Then i realized how much of a huge role i am going to be playing in these little ladies' lives. I am their only auntie, and heck am i ever going to be a fun one!! i want them to grow up and remember the time when auntie Maddie moved in and played barbie with them every day for months and months. I want them to remember how much fun we will have. I want them to remember how much i love them. Because i love them sooooo much. They’re fantastic kids. My sister has done a fantastic job :)

While we're on the topic i want to express how much i truly love my older sister Megan. She is ten years older than me, and my one and only sister. Ever since i can remember, growing up we always shared a room (that is until you got married and moved out haha gross) i would always get into her stuff and she would get mad at me for it. But i knew she loved me, and i knew she loved me too. I remember that awful water bed we shared for i don’t know how many years... (and you totally made me believe that there were fish in it) i also remember building forts and rocking out to The Backstreet Boys “You Are My Fire” hahahahaha oh those were the good days. I miss them. And I'm excited to make even more with you again now that ten years has passed. :)

well its now almost twelve, and time to hit the sack. I will post this and probably add to it. Night y'all!!

mixed feelings.

today. today is the day that all are supposed to celebrate their love for others. but it has become more specifically known as a couples day. and i hate it. i have hated it since the beginning of cooties. since i first understood why holding hands wasn't gross. (well maybe that's an over exaggeration but i mean you get my point, it sucks for those of us unattached...) i am just finishing my nineteenth valentines day, and still i am left feeling lonely.
don't get me wrong i don't want to get rid of the holiday completely, its gonna rock when I'm not-so-single. but for now i am not going to enjoy a lot of it. so should i describe to you my day? and all the itsy bitsy details that seem to contribute to the end of it? i think yes.
so i woke up at seven and got ready for work (consists of brushing teeth and slicking back my grease nest into a pony... gross.) then i drove into town with the rentals and we dropped everybody off to their rightful places. i got to work at about eight fifteen. didn't start till nine thirty so i took a sort-of nap in the staff room. gotta love those marks on your forehead when you finally manage to wake up... naaat. hah anyways. so i start work and its just normal whatever, put on a smiley face and make the customers believe you're having the time of your life dealing with their sass. yaaaaayyy work.. haha today there were actually a lot of happy people who came through my till, and it did help make my day a happy one. my day was a pretty decent one. i ate salad and BUGGLES (best salty snack invention EVER) and pudding. yummmmmmm. good lunch. drank a whoooole lot of water and then acted accordingly. heh.... then i finished work and walked on over to the institute building. sat and pinned for a while...
***
k pause for a sec. all the while since a bit after noon i was texting the boy previously mentioned in my post about the boy girl situation (which is now unfortunately over for the two of them and reeeally confusing for me..) (and well the whole deal is that after it all i decided to tell him i liked him and well were gonna stay friends because he honestly just isn't interested. which hurts but i mean you have to live with a lot of the pain sometimes. so were just good friends. which is all i wanted at this point anyways because anything more than that with me leaving the province in under a month would really be hard.. but despite my telling myself that there is no way he could ever look at me as more than a friend, every time i text him or he texts me, i catch myself with this sick ugly fool's grin on my face. i cant help myself. he makes me smile. he makes me happy. even when nobody else can. which is ridiculous because i hardly know his whole name.... it freaks me out.) so i was texting this boy. and then he told me that he couldn't text me anymore because he was on a date. and my first thoughts were "awe that's so sweet he is such a gentleman for putting away his phone" then i got to the "liking him" bubble, and i thought, crap hes on a date. and dang it call me an idiot but i sunk.
***
so I'm sitting in this building, Ive been watching the notebook and i get this text from him andd i just poop out. i was already crying from the sadness of the end of the film. and then that popped up, as sincerely happy as i was for him to be on that date, i couldn't help but get that teeny gut ouch.
then i get home and I'm on pinterest pinning again, and then I'm on facebook stalking some more. then i see that some body's relationship status changed. and this was the guy that stayed up till two o clock a week ago texting me for no reason, sparked my interest. but nope hes currently in a relationship with someone six years younger than me. and I'm pretty sure his excuse for not dating me was that i was too young. hmm. another devastating blow.
so in a nut shell I'm still really confused. i don't get what makes me the one who is just so close, and yet so far away. i am tired of being the second. i am tired of the guys i keep meeting who just don't seem to take a second look at me. I'm the friend. and don't get me wrong friends are fantastic, but I'm kinda excited to be the "more than friend" and not just that. not the in between. i want to be the girl that he cant live without.
so that's it. happy Tuesday February the fourteenth.
i hope those of you who are attached have had a fantastic day, you deserve it!!

its not this. its that.

its not that the clouds are in the way. its that i miss the sun.
its not that i cant hear you, or dont understand you. its that cant bear to hear what you have to say.
its not that life sucks today and woe is me. its that yerterday was fantastic and missing it is easy.
its not that liking boys sucks. its that liking the wrong boy at the wrong time can really really hurt.
its not that im mad at you. its that im sad with myself.
its not that im sad i didnt get what i wanted despite my valiant efforts. its that you continue to get what you want effortlessly
and yes because we are girls we get emotional. and yes sometimes i really want to punch you. hard. but tomorrow is something new. tomorrow is a clean white canvas. and i look forward to painting a better picture.
its notthat i dont like you. its that i love you.

Country Music

hey there everybody :) so here i am. chillin in starbucks, jammin to some country, and i figured i would profess to you my love for it. anybody who knows me really well knows that i have an undying love for country music.
yea it can get to the point where there is too much twang, but i mean hey everything else just makes me weak in the knees! the deep rumbly voice of a good male country singer.... yea that's right, your ears just perked up. i cant even put it into words. i was surfin the tube yesterday and i found a new country artist. his name is blaine larsen.... ok guys he looks to be maybe sixteen tops. his voice sounds like that of someone in their thirties.. daaaannng gina sooo nice!!!! (side note: i just indulged in a caramel salted hot chocolate, YUM!!!)

in the video it makes reference to him being about eighteen. ok i can sorta see that, but dang that voice!! i almost like him more than scotty mccreery! and that's sorta a big deal lol. dang i love me some country.. I'm a sap for love songs too and country is known for its generally high level of emotion haha. i also love george canyon. he has an amazing voice, and some fantastic songs. for example "I want you to live ". i love that song. brings tears to my eyes almost every time... but then again a lot of things make me cry haha dang it... I'm a cry baby. but not in a bad wy..? haha idk, its the way i am and i love who i am so im ok with it :). aaannd just to name a few more i love aaron prichett, rascal flatts, miranda lambert, blake shelton, lady antebellum, gloriana and maaaanny many more :) COUNTRY <3 i could go on for a lot longer, but i wont bore you :) later!! :)

A New Artist

JJ Heller. lovely. here's a song i love.

enjoy. much love :)